I’ve been slacking hardcore on my blog game, but here’s a little story from last Saturday night.
Lain Coubert, a.k.a. Wall Street’s Most Wanted, was in town crashing with me. He has a girlfriend back on the east coast, but he does it Don Draper-style.
He tells me he’s got a girl out here he really wants to see, who he’s been crushing on ever since they worked at the same financial company 3 years ago, and this is the first time she’s been single since they met. He texts her all day setting up group plans for the evening.
We go to Equinox on Sunset in the afternoon to get our pump on, and check out the ridiculous bodies on every girl there. We’re like two giddy school boys.
After the workout I lavish in the amenities they offer, sitting in the steam room with an ice cold eucalyptus towel around my neck, before rinsing off in a bamboo-lined shower with all the best products. Pretty gay, right?
On our way to meet up with the girls later, I tell Lain some things about LA girls that he should know.
“Every girl in LA has banged some C-List celebrity that has over-inflated her ego. Oftentimes, they’ll actually wait around thinking they ‘deserve’ a guy on that level now, or that the guy is actually going to commit to them.”
I also noticed how unusually anxious Lain is about seeing his west coast crush, and I predict that, “This night will end with me jerking off on her couch while you have a long, emotional conversation in her bedroom.”
We meet up with his girl, who is pretty hot but a little mannish due to her hard-working career, and her two behemoth friends. One is really tall and big-boned, but still pretty sexy. The other is a chubster who I would bang due to her tits and ass, but she’s like a 5 at best.
Soon we find out the tall one has a boyfriend, but I commit to doing my duty as a wingman and keeping Chubster busy.
The night is mostly uneventful. The girls are vapid, conceited, and boring. I eventually ditch the group and explore on my own, chatting up some random girls and killing time.
Then I reconnect with the group and we walk a few blocks to another bar. En route, Lain pulls me aside.
“Dude… you were right. I’m so fucking pissed!”
“What are you talking about?”
“She says she’s ‘seeing’ some random dude who plays for the Red Sox! I haven’t even heard of the guy! He’s like a third-string relief pitcher!!”
“Wow, that is fucked up. But yeah… That’s how it is out here.”
At the next bar, I find some girls who are friends-of-friends and grab a cute blonde one, who is pretty drunk, and start grinding and making out with her.
According to Lain, our main group all looked over at me and was like “What the fuck? Suddenly he’s grinding with this random girl and pulling her hair and shit??” Haha.
My girl’s jealous friend eventually grabs her hand and pulls her away. But not to worry, I’ll find her on Facebook later.
We cab back to Lain’s girl’s place, with tall girl having stayed behind with her boyfriend. So now it’s just Lain, his girl, me… and Chubster.
I want to do my wingly duty and leave Lain alone with his girl to take his best swing (bad pun), and I’d been sort of feeling Chubster up in the cab, but she wasn’t reciprocating and seemed kind of cold.
Anyway, Chubster says goodnight, and that she is going upstairs to her apartment.
She walks out. And then I just follow her.
I get into the hallway and say, “Yo Chubster, wait up.”
Then shit goes totally crazy.
She GASPS and starts SPRINTING away, like I’m a fucking serial killer wearing a Jason mask.
I walk after her… “Yo, Chubster, wait up, I just want to talk for a sec.”
She starts JUMPING up a flight of stairs, skipping two by two. She’s in heels, and I’m concerned she’s going to snap an ankle under all that weight.
“I’M JUST GOING TO SLEEEEEP!!!”
I hear the door to the stairs slam shut above as I follow. Then I hear her apartment door open, SLAM, and a chain being secured tightly.
It’s pretty funny, actually.
So I just stand there in the hall, flabberghasted. I left my cell phone in the apartment where Lain and his girl are, so I decide to just kill time and wait a little while, being a good friend and letting him do his thing.
But soon I decide I need to monitor the situation to better judge whether I can go back in, or need to continue waiting.
I lean my ear up to the door, and start listening:
“Well, he obviously travels a lot, but he said he’ll be back in LA soon, and he’s going to introduce me to his mom!”
“But you’re not really dating, right…”
“Um… I just… don’t feel comfortable hooking up with other people once I’ve hooked up with someone else more than once….”
Jesus. It looks hopeless, but I will make sure it’s completely dead before I intervene. I know Lain has been looking forward to this for a long time.
“Did you just hear something outside the door?”
Oh fuck. I lean back and do a Looney Tunes Elmer Fudd-style quiet walk down the hallway, looking like the dude from The Mask with my crazy high-steps and exaggerated motions.
I wait a minute and then decide it’s safe to return.
Soon after, I hear them talking about how Lain has tried my cell 3 times and can’t reach me. “I bet he’s right ouside the door,” he says.
Then he says he’s going to just leave and look for me. At that point, I realize it’s truly over, and I ring the doorbell.
It was a random-ass night, but overall we still had fun. Well, I definitely did. Lain took it pretty hard. He rarely gets rejected, being a rich, muscular Italian stallion, but on this night he had to deal with the harsh realities of LA. I’m sure this phenomenon exists everywhere, but I have to wonder if I’m dealing with extra challenges that make my life, and game, harder on a regular basis.
But I thought it was a pretty good night. I danced and made out with a cute blonde chick, and then a Chubster ran away from me like I was a serial killer.
It was a memory that I will treasure forever…